Bruno Sahab. Ye kia baat hui?

(We interrupt our regular programming to bring you something that MUST go out of my head before I spontaneously combust.)

Not only is Bruno Mars ruining every woman’s concept of a macho man, of a metrosexual man, of a normal man, he is also responsible for bringing ideas into girls’ heads that have no semblance in real life. Take the popular song, “Just The Way You Are” .

Oh, her eyes, her eyes, make the stars look like they’re not shining
Her hair, her hair, falls perfectly without her trying
She’s so beautiful, and I tell her every day

Her hair is perfect. She doesn’t go get a blow-dry. It’s just perfect. When she was making her way out of her mother’s uterus/birth canal, she didn’t have gunk on her face. She had the dew of a thousand roses and her baby hair was scented with perfume of the goddesses. She didn’t go to the pooper like the rest of us when she had one too many tablespoons of spicy Indian food court food. Her gastrointestinal tract was just magically equipped to make all kinds of pain and discomfort disappear by hearing anything Bruno Mars-ish. She was Toni and Guy’s muse for creating the “Bedhead” line and she’s the woman you all know as: Regina George.

Yeah, I know, I know, when I compliment her she won’t believe me
And it’s so, it’s so, sad to think that she don’t see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look ok, I say

Oh she’s so self-deprecating, she doesn’t know how BEAUTIFUL SHE FUCKING IS. What’s interesting is that every woman – and I mean EVERY WOMAN – wants to hear that she’s beautiful without really sounding too obnoxious or needy. The trouble with the real world is that those who are beautiful bloody well know it and those who aren’t spend hours in the salon to try to look close to the celebrities they’ve been ogling in the magazines they’ve been reading while waiting for their outrageously expensive stylist to come and take away half her monthly savings so that she can feel that MAYBE – just MAYBE – Bruno Mars was singing for her.

When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you’re amazing, just the way you are(yeah)

The whole world probably DOES stop because that’s how you perceive it, dumbass. The truth is, no one’s amazing just the way they are. They are fine, sure. Amazing? No. We’ve all got faults and if you think that by telling girls that they don’t need to change a single damn thing about them, then you might land second base (or hit a home run, if you’re really lucky and a REALLY convincing liar) but in real life, we all change and evolve in our relationships. If we decided we’re all fucking perfect, we’d be stagnant.

Her lips, her lips, I could kiss them all day if she let me
Her laugh, her laugh, she hates but I think it’s so sexy
She’s so beautiful, and I tell her every day

You’re going to kiss her all day? When are either of you going to go to work? Or take care of the kids, if you plan on having any geniuses that see their parents permanently glued at the lips? Or go to the pooper? Oh wait.

Oh, you know, you know, you know, I’d never ask you to change
If perfect’s what you’re searching for then just stay the same
So, don’t even bother asking if you look ok
You know I’ll say

Don’t even bother. You hear that ladies? If your man is just not ready to pay you a compliment, just think you’re amazing just the way you are. Coz Bruno Bhai said so. And he’s the BHAI of Romance, if all ye Karachi-wallahs know what I’m on about?

When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Because girl you’re amazing, just the way you are
The way you are, the way you are
Girl you’re amazing, just the way you are

When I see your face, there’s not a thing that I would change
Cause you’re amazing, just the way you are
And when you smile, the whole world stops and stares for a while
Cause girl you’re amazing, just the way you are. Yeah

I must say he sounds like a lovesick puppy. I love his songs, I do. But there’s such a thing as making no sense. And Bruno nails it. He takes a self-deprecating, but-otherwise-apparently-perfect sixteen year old (because clearly us nearing our 30s can’t possibly fall for this kind of ridiculousness) and gives her compliments she wishes she’d heard when Savage Garden was singing “To The Moon and Back” or when Coldplay decided to sing “Paradise”.

Then take his other masterpiece, featured in Glee as well. Marry You. I love listening to it, the music’s so ’60s and ‘Grease’y. And also. So deeply – oily.

It’s a beautiful night,
We’re looking for something dumb to do.
Hey baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Hows ’bout doing something even dumber – like smashing into a car? Or get a tattoo that says “Mars and Venus FOREVA” with a butterfly and a heart and Winnie The Pooh?

Is it the look in your eyes,
Or is it these dancing Jews?
Who cares baby,
I think I wanna marry you.

Now I’m not sure if those are the REAL lyrics. Dancing Jews? I have no idea what that even means. Dancing juice? Just say beer, dude. Dancing tunes? Who gets married over Glee?

Well I know this little chapel on the boulevard we can go,
No one will know,
Oh, come on, girl.
Who cares if we’re trashed got a pocket full of cash we can blow,
Shots of patron,
And it’s on, girl.

Shots of patron? Sure it’s not petrol? Coz sniffing that stuff can definitely lower the intelligence and make you do dumb things like marry a girl over Glee. And spending a pocketful of a cash. If that’s a reason to marry then it’s good news for every Pakistani boy over the age of 18 whose parents give him pocket money.

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

No. Just. No.

I’ll go get a ring let the choir bells sing like oooh,
So whatchu wanna do?
Let’s just run girl.

If we wake up and you wanna break up that’s cool.
No, I won’t blame you;
It was fun, girl.

Oh sure. Everything’s fine in the morning. Except that marriage vows should mean something to someone. And it’s kind of odd that this verse should feature in a song that is titled as “Marry You”. Maybe it should be titled as “Looking for Sex And Willing to Give Marriage as a One-Night Excuse.”

Don’t say no, no, no, no-no;
Just say yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah-yeah;
And we’ll go, go, go, go-go.
If you’re ready, like I’m ready.

Just say I do,
Tell me right now baby,
Tell me right now baby, baby.

Thinking about it is NOT an option. Gotta say, Bruno Sahab. She has to be as drunk as you are to agree to this.